Funny Quotes - The World's Funniest

You've got to be an optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one.
        — Will Rogers

You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?
        — Dirty Harry

You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say it's a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
        — Scott Adams

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
        — Robin Williams

You're gonna need a bigger boat.
        — Jaws

Your next-door neighbor is not a man; he is an environment. He is the barking of a dog; he is the noise of a piano; he is a dispute about a party wall; he is drains that are worse than yours, or roses that are better than yours.
        — Gilbert K. Chesterton

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.
        — Dave Barry

Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.
        — Gary Bolding

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business.
        — Washington Irving

Words of Wisdom:

  • I once suspected that the only thing without mystery is happiness, because it justifies itself.
  • We want to be happier than others, and it is very difficult, because I always imagine them happier than they actually are.
  • The only way to be happy is that you like to suffer.
  • Happiness is the dream of love and sadness his wake.
  • Happiness is to acquire and enjoy, but want nothing, for it consists in being free.
  • Not wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and work, those that provide happiness.
  • I committed the ultimate sin, I wanted to be happy.
  • Only an idiot can be completely happy.
  • There is no medicine to cure what happiness is not a cure.
  • There is only one way to be happy living for others.